On Life and Hope

My thoughts are seriously running away from me and my heart is palpitating with anxiety and fear. Damn. I thought my future was a little more secured now, after last week, but it seems I may have been overly-optimistic about that factor.

Dear Lord, please give me the courage, the patience, and the positivity to calm down, find the peace, and trust in You? Help me.

It’s so beautiful to see how quickly the Universe responds to you as long as you have the right and positive outlook on the things that are happening in your life.

I’ve been unemployed since March 15, 2012, a little more than two months ago, when I resigned from a pretty prestigious film-making company here in the country. At the time, I was proud of myself for leaving and I never really thought I’d be facing the inner turmoils I faced the weeks that followed that. Seriously, I thought I was over that “phase.” I know I’m still pretty “lost” in the sense that I can’t exactly pinpoint to you in a map where I’m going. To stretch the metaphor, if you asked me then where I was headed, I’d probably prop out a picture book and show you a photo of a happy family in a beach somewhere, hugging.. or something. That’s it. It’s that vague. It was a huge concept. I just wanted my own family.. the career wasn’t as important as the fact that I had time to spend with my kids and that they grinned, proud to show off their white teeth and bursting with so much happiness hugging their mother (aka ME.) Wow, that picture in my head still gives me butterflies in my tummy. I’m excited. I know that’s where I want life to take me. I know that’s where my feet and my life are auto-piloted to go.. However, I didn’t know how to get there. I had no clue. No concrete steps.

And though I know I made a firm decision when I handed my resignation letter, I started to succumb to doubts, fears, anxieties.. and eventually regrets, as the days unfolded. Mainly because I. Was. Still. Lost. I mean, I left something not knowing where to go. My faith kept telling me, “Leap and the net will appear.” I believed it and I was confident that things would fall into place.. I still am. I guess I just didn’t expect it to take a little longer than I would have wanted. I was so sure the path would clear once I got out of my previous job.. and to be fair, it really did. But when it cleared out, I found no road. It was just the ground. Provided it was green, moist, and fresh grass that covered the ground and indicated paradise, there was still no direction or way paved out for me. And that’s when I started to worry.

I guess if I made this decision a year ago, I would have probably gone close to strangling myself in my sleep out of worry and despair. However, because of all the experiences, the new friends that I made, the new awareness that I’ve cultivated from the activities that I participated in since the year started, I believe I have learned to quickly catch myself whenever I felt off-balance. I mean, I’m not perfect, but I’m getting SO MUCH BETTER at taking care of myself and being kind to myself. And I’m very grateful for that.

Anyway, yeah, I had my episodes of panic and self-berating. But I feel I’ve moved past that with the techniques I’ve learned along the way to be more friendly and patient with myself and who I’m unfolding to be. 

And lookie, the Universe never let me down. It waited two months to show me the options my life could take.. and at first, it worried me sick. But I see now that it gave me two months to recuperate, to regenerate myself, rebalance my priorities, care for my well-being and happiness, freely enjoy activities I have always been interested in, find my passion and my center, and finally get clear with who I am every single day that I’m alive. And looking back now, I feel like it’s actually a short time. I could already compare how much I’ve changed from March to now and I couldn’t be any happier or prouder.. or more grateful. 

Within those two months, I’ve discovered yoga and the beautiful holistic well-being that came with it. I’ve expanded my social circles. I’m participating in a show in June and have been rehearsing since May. I’ve traveled with my family and spent so much more time with them than I have ever done since we all “grew up.” I’ve rediscovered my skills in painting and writing. And I’ve actually discovered that I can write some of my own music as well. I feel liberated and explored. And I feel “unleashed.”

And with that, the Universe presented me with two really diverse options I could take as I move forward in my life. Though they’re both painstakingly hard to decide on, I don’t want to pressure myself too much and ripple my balance unnecessarily. I’ve come to trust myself and my instincts so much more and I believe that I’ll know the right decision to take when the time comes. I’m just very grateful to have been given this opportunity to explore and imagine different pathways my life could take. And in the most unexpected of ways. Thank you, Universe. Thank you for taking care of me while I took time to take care of myself.

And what’s more, I’ve been able to cultivate and deepen a lot of my relationships further during this time of rest. I’ve gone out of town and had a relaxing time with my soon-to-be-married best friend. I’ve established regular meet-ups and catch-up sessions with the different groups of friends whose company I truly enjoy. I’ve finally visited my other best friend’s condo and participated in activities she’s cultivating as well. I’ve gone out of the country for an awesome bonding trip with my siblings to Vietnam. I’ve had deep and engaging dinner talks with my younger brother, whom I fondly call “baby boy.” And just recently, I spent the weekend surfing, swimming, and just lounging around the beaches of Baler with my high school friends. I feel so proud as well to have inspired them to take their fitness regimens more seriously and allowed them to consider integrating yoga in their lives as well. I have enjoyed every minute of my rest and feel so refreshed from all these activities I’ve undertaken. And I love seeing how much who I’m becoming now has been affecting all these different areas of my life. 

I feel grateful and blessed for the way my life has turned out and I don’t regret anything I’ve ever done before because they all - the mistakes, the presumptions, the time outs, the highs and the lows - have brought and molded me to be who I am today.

There’s so much beauty inside ourselves and I’m so glad I took the time to try and discover it in me. Thank you for the lessons, the wisdom, the balance, and the peace I’ve rediscovered along the way to the NOW.

Namaste, Universe. Namaste, everyone.

Thank you.

Life Lesson #49:Enlightenment is understanding that there is nowhere to go, nothing to do, and nobody you have to be except exactly who you are being right now. ♥☺☀

- Conversations with God